The LinkedIn Endorsements You Wish Existed

When it comes to LinkedIn endorsements, there are different schools of thought on their value. Some people are delighted when they receive a notification that someone thinks they're great at proofreading and three unrelated skills. Others regard them as a bunch of hooey. I probably fall into the latter category as I've been endorsed twice for speechwriting. Yet, aside from the short lackluster toast I gave at my dad's 70th birthday party, I really have no experience with this. And I don't think the people who endorsed me were at that small affair.

While the catalog of endorsement traits is vast and sundry, here are a few I wish existed, because, let's face it, we've all worked with people who've honed these skills to perfection:

Oration

A testament to those long and loud personal calls, which after 10 minutes begin to take on the fever-pitch of a televangelist

Nomadic Tendencies

The ability to carry an always-full water bottle and wander from cube to cube complaining and never accomplishing anything, yet they never fail to get by

Riddles

Prone to sending cryptic emails that leave colleagues popping up from their cubicles like the human equivalent of a "Whack-A-Mole" game asking, "So, wait, is the 11 o'clock meeting on??"

Power Molars

Loudest chip and/or pretzel crunching. Ever.

Boldness 

Willingness to dance like no one's watching -- typically in the ladies room. You are also the person comfortable carrying on lengthy conversation across stalls and possibly even talking selfies mid-flush.

Jargonista

A leech-like allegiance to corporate buzzwords. (Yes, I'm "opening the kimono" on this one. I just wish I had the bandwidth to go into a deeper dive on this troublesome lexicon.)

Probing

The employee who possesses an encyclopedic knowledge of colleagues' lives due to excessive Facebooking

Soothsayer 

Can be counted on to say, "That was a shitshow!" after every all-hands-on-deck meeting

Aromatic 

This co-worker wears too much cologne or eats a super-fishy lunch in his cubicle -- every darn day.

Office Aesthetician

Flagrant nail clipping/filing during meetings sometimes followed by flossing during a Google hangout

Affectionate

Don't touch my arm unless I'm about to fall down an elevator shaft, thanks.

Champion Throat-Clearing 

If you need the Heimlich, just ask, otherwise see a doctor.

Whirlwind

This is the co-worker who is always in the middle of a root canal, landlord-tenant dispute, and seeking a restraining order. Engaging with her will cost you 20-40 minutes of your work day, so plan accordingly.

And did you ever notice that as soon as you connect with someone you have the opportunity to endorse him or her for multiple skills? While most go together, there's always that clunker that calls to mind the old Sesame Street "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things is doin' his own thang!"

Perhaps this will jog your memory:





With Facebook allegedly preparing to unveil a "dislike" button, is it only a matter of time before we have the chance to affirm these characteristics in our colleagues as well? Let's hope not, but it is fun to consider.

If you could endorse a co-worker for trait or two, what would they be?

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